If your not screwing up; Your not doing much (Part 2)

The "if your not screwing up; your not doing much" parenting principle is fairly simple when your child's screw ups involve paint on walls or toys being left out. When you are attempting, and I do mean attempting, to parent a 14 year old girl, screw ups can be a bit more detrimental to her well being than washable finger paint is to a wall.

Should she be granted the same freedom to fail, or do I protect her from as many mistakes as I can? If I choose the latter, how do I even begin to dictate to a 14 year old girl what she should or should not do without completely destroying the closeness neccessary to provide advice, direction, wisdom.

Fourteen is young -- when your 37, but when your 14, you are almost driving, graduated, out of the house, married. When your fourteen, and in highschool, you are surrouned by 17 and 18 year old immature adults in a place where sex, drug deals, fights, and drinking happen on a daily basis.

Parenting a teenage girl, if done properly, is a feat comparable to solving world peace. I am just begining this new journey with my oldest daugher, and I am taking the route of trying to see her as mature as she sees herself. I know that she truly believes she knows as much, if not more than I do, about the world, and I absolutely cannot force her to see it any other way. I can only try to teach her the lessons I have allready learned, and help her learn the lessons that are neccessary for her own story to be told.

Trying to come to terms with the fact that your child is closer to an adult than a child is tough because the love you feel for your child creates an intense desire to protect her at all costs, but for her to become an independt, secure, successfull adult you have to step back and let her live her life.

So back seat her I come.

(On a side note: "I am sure many accidents have been avoided by a good back seat driver.")

If your not screwing up; your not doing much.

I cannot remember every detail of my childhood. I do not recall every lecture, or consequence, or conversation of my teenage years; but, I do remember one quote that my dad said to me once in my early teens that has truly resonated with me throughout the years. "If your not screwing up; Your not doing much"

Looking back on my younger years, I will admit I did not need to do "so much". I am not going to deny a little more discipline, structure, boundaries may have led me to be more successful, have more brain cells, be healthier, I may not have taken the harder road to where I am today had I "screwed up less". Having said that, I still as an adult raising my own children, truly appreciate the fact that my dad did not break my spirit in the name of being perfect, good, right, clean, well-behaved.

As I write these words, I am also trying to come to terms with my own ideas of child rearing. I want my children to be given the same freedom to fail. The same fearlessness in life that I believe I was given by my dads philosophy of making mistakes; however, I do not know if this is right. How do I limit the chaos that surrounds me, teach my children to respect their things, my things, themselves, and others without demanding them to? And how do I demand certain behavoirs without being forecful, fierce, stringint?

I have been told I am too easy on them. That when they write on walls and not paper I should reprimand more sternly than I do. I have been told they need to be spanked, by more than one person. I want my house to be cleaner, I want them to take better care of the gifts given to them. Overall, I would like a little less mess, but my younger children are just that young. In my eyes, the way I handle the mistakes they make today (writing on walls, yelling, being destructive,) is laying the foundation for how they will react to failures later in life. I do not want them to fear mistakes.

I as a grown adult am still making mistakes; errors that in my attempt to correct I am growing and becoming a better person. Maybe I am wrong; maybe I could have learned these same lessons without making the mistakes that lead to the teachings I am receiving.

Is failure essential to learning life lessons?

We're going to Hollywood....How being "married with kids" relates to an American Idol auditon

Carmen and Lauren: American Idol auditioneers; "besties" 4ever.

The American Idol clip portrays the friendship of these two girls as not just close, but special.

Married Couple: Two people sharing their lives together; true love always.

Partners who spend their days living, laughing, loving.

Carmen and Lauren: They spend all their time together, have a lot in common, and seem to generally have an exceptional friendship. Both girls love to sing; so, of course, the next step to achieving their goals is AMERICAN IDOL.

Married Couple: After meeting and getting to know each other, they both believe this particular person is someone special; and, like most young couples they set off together to achieve the AMERICAN DREAM. Success, Mortgage, Kids.

Carmen and Lauren: "Besties" forever, or at least until one wins an audition and the other doesn't. If body language truly portrays one's true feelings, then based on Lauren's reaction, she would not be able to handle the complex difficulties incurred from the fact that her friend was off to Hollywood without her. Even the 72 coats of foundation could not hide Lauren's complete lack of joy for her "Besties" accomplishment.

Married Couple: In the beginning, their days together consisted of - 4 wheeler rides in Hawaii, hikes in Canada, long talks about their future, cuddling on the couch, movies, wake boarding, snowboarding, hours upon hours of quality time just being together. But the daily "auditions" of demanding children, tedious and stressful business transactions, and most importantly little to no time at the end of the day for just being together, creates tension non conducive to the love that once came so easily.

Carmen and Lauren: Although I am only assuming, as I do not know either Carmen nor Lauren, but based on the AMERICAN IDOL footage, their friendship before the audition seemed idealistically happy and fun; however, after complications involving feelings of jealousy and resentment became part of their relationship, the friendship seemed to instantly transform from special to nonexistent.

Married Couple: Before the complex difficulties that inevitably occur with attempting to achieve the AMERICAN DREAM, most relationships start out as idealistically happy and fun. Fortunately, this is where the similarities between married couples and Carmen and Lauren's friendship can cease. For, although one's married relationship will most likely be revised by consequences that occur during the many "auditions" people face when sharing their lives together, this revision can transform an idealistically happy and fun partnership to a realistically, strong, fulfilling, relationship worthy of lasting a lifetime.

My Dad

Today is my Dad's birthday. If he was still alive, my husband, the kids, and I probably would be going to his house tonight. He would of loved the hand made cards the kids would of made.

My Dad was a good man. He was not perfect, and our relationship was not without blemishes. But, I loved him a lot; and, I miss him. I wish he could be here so my girls could know him.

My Dad was young (early 50's) when he died; and, he left us unexpectedly. The day after Easter 2007 we brought him into the hospital, he was unconscious for a few weeks, then he died.

I want to believe that he knows my girls and is still a part of our lives somehow, somewhere.

Grief is an interesting aspect to life.

Happy Birthday Dad .... I think the girls will still make you a card. I miss you.

"Do go a changin"

I do not know if it is the kids, my age, or if I am just ready for change; but, I truly feel like I need to do some major transforming. I am completely done with some of the old habits I have had for years. These habits are so hard to change. I feel as if I have tried to change them; but, maybe I haven't tried hard enough. How do you change who you are? I am not sure if I should just relax and accept my faults for what they are, or try harder to change them. And really, if I knew how to change these habits, then I would.

In the midst of all this soul searching, I am reading a great book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I love when I find a book that is just what I need at the time. In this book, the author talks about self awareness, and how the human characteristic of being able to take at look at how one sees oneself separates humans from the animal kingdom. We as humans have the ability to think about our own thought process. Because we are not our thoughts, moods, feelings, we can examine our own thought process, and use this self awareness to change habits.

So, this is were I am at. I have some habits- disorganization, procrastination, ineffective multitasking that have become glaringly destructive to my personal achievement. I cannot continue successfully to work from home and take care of my family without changing these (and a few other) habits.

Obviously, I will work on finishing the book, and hopefully, the author has some great ideas on how to change. I also believe prayer is an important aspect in changing oneself. Then whether I accomplish my transformation or not really depends on the choices I make throughout the day.

Thanks for listening cyberspace.

(On a side note.... Like I mentioned earlier, I love when I find a good life changing book. There has been a few in my life.
Journaling
The Big Book
A Return to Love
How about you, I would love to hear of books that were meaningful in your life.)

Who is this chick in my house?

What happened?

No seriously .... what happened?

My little girl is no longer my - little girl. She is a mere reflection of the child who once lived here. Instead of her being completely different than me both physically and mentally, she is closer to being my equal than not.

Realizing that your child is no longer a child, she is like another woman in the house, changes the atmosphere of the home completely. After a few years of tug of war, our relationship has seemed to reach a plateau where we understand each other as an individuals in a mother daughter relationship, rather than mainly concerning ourselves with our role of parent or child.

I am pretty certain there will be some challenges coming as most teenagers need to fight for their adult independence; but, for the time being, I am just contemplating the bitter sweetness of her maturity, knowing that these moments of peace with where we are, as mother and daughter, can be short lived.

Although I do miss her as a child, I look forward to getting to know her as a young adult.

She is a pretty cool chick.

"Gettin HIgh"

The colors surrounding me are brighter; the cold air is not uncomfortable but refreshing.

The beats in my head are mesmerizing.

No thoughts of any responsibilities- not kids, not work, definitely not money.

If life could always feel this free. If only I could hold onto to this feeling during the long days, during the hard times, when I feel like quiting.

Nothing matters for the time being, nothing but the lack of thoughts. A break from all things stressful, mundane, and just plain boring.

My mind is in the present, but my brain is blurred. My mind is not focusing only existing; and, my body is simply going through the motions of fast movement. Heart beating fast, short quick breathe, a nice change of pace.

"Gettin High"

Nothing beats a good run with your daughter's ipod.