Here comes TESSA

Inner growth, transformation, and true change from within the core of oneself can be achieved through the lessons of daily life. My relationship with the bulldog my daughters and I rescued from the pound has provided a plethora of daily lessons for me to grapple with. Tessa is wounded, and when her wounds are triggered by outside influences like being left alone, a dog that is too close, or overstimulation, a transformation occurs. Tessa is calm, cuddly, soft, and sweet when she feels safe. Tessa is aggressive, strong, and close-minded when she is scared or overstimulated. I see this transformation when we are on our walks. Usually, while walking, Tessa doesn't pull; she stays right by my side, and we walk in tandem with her, stopping to sniff or check out her surroundings on occasion. If a dog is in the vicinity but does not pay her any attention, she may look up but remains calm. As soon as the dog looks at her or shows any signs of wanting to get in Tessa's space, Tessa immediately goes from calm to hyperfocused, strong, sturdy, and ready to fight. Tessa also has significant separation anxiety. When left alone, she has ruined blinds, chewed through doors, destroyed door handles, and broken a crate trying to find an escape. She has been a lot of work. I have to work with her every day so she can be content instead of destructive. I don't know what happened to this sweet girl, but she must have been through some tough times, and that breaks my heart. This relationship between Tessa and me is helping me to see that we all have a past that must be allowed to work itself out so we don't destroy ourselves or others. I have to be patient with myself and with Tessa. There needs to be a healthy structure, boundaries, and lots of love. She is teaching me as much as I am teaching her. The world comes into our being and can quickly trigger our inner hurt, and like the spark of a fire, we become explosive. Unless we allow our inner selves to process our pain, we will destroy what is around us.

Liberation

To live life to the fullest is what I aspire to. I do not want to waste my moments caught up in the personal demons of fear, anger, HATRED. How do I free myself of the negative thoughts that consume my internal space? First, I must be AWARE of these subtle, energetic doses of doubt, untruths, and hidden distractions that take me down the path of discontentment. When I can be in the moment, truly in the moment, being who I am at that time, doing what is in front of me without hesitation, with full confidence in the power of what is, I am who I am meant to be. Mostly, it is about subtracting all the extra thoughts and feelings that seep into my heart and mind to take me out of the moment and into the delusion of my persona. I created this self-concept from pain, fear, and desire. If I can free myself from the weight of her pain, I can be my truth. Powerful, beautiful, loving, and full of a peace that can transform.

"You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying"

"You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying."

When we are young, little kid young, we are true to ourselves. Children know what they want, do not hide what they are feeling, and have no problem letting the people in their life know all about their truth. The thought of lying to the people around them about their truth, is not an option, or thought, that crosses a child's mind.

As an adult, being true to oneself seems more difficult. Trying to be a good mom or dad, husband or wife, friend, business person creates obstacles within yourself for your truth to be clouded by the traits you think you should possess to be the mom, wife, friend, you want to be. Hence, lies about who you truly are.

Although it may be easier said than done, isn't it refreshing to know - to find one's truth, one just has to quit lying.

I love everything I hate about you.

Isn't it interesting when the same quality in one person can create two opposite emotions in another person.

In relationships, people can both love and hate specific character traits in each other. I hate when my better half reacts to obstacles in life with a relaxed attitude when clearly, in my eyes, for the problem to be solved we need to be moving tensely at mach 5 speed. However, my husbands same stoic outlook is also the quiet that calms my passionate storm when I am in a frenzy about stuff I have no control over and cannot change, and therefore, should just relax and let life happen.

When I am feeling frustrated because of a certain action by a loved one in my life, I can turn the negative feeling around by focusing not on the action but the character trait that created the action as normally the trait itself is one that I admire.

If I were to actually write down everything that frustrates me about anyone I am close to, I would see the same actions that can unnerve me at times are created by the traits that attracted me to that person to begin with.

Just a thought...

If your not screwing up; Your not doing much (Part 2)

The "if your not screwing up; your not doing much" parenting principle is fairly simple when your child's screw ups involve paint on walls or toys being left out. When you are attempting, and I do mean attempting, to parent a 14 year old girl, screw ups can be a bit more detrimental to her well being than washable finger paint is to a wall.

Should she be granted the same freedom to fail, or do I protect her from as many mistakes as I can? If I choose the latter, how do I even begin to dictate to a 14 year old girl what she should or should not do without completely destroying the closeness neccessary to provide advice, direction, wisdom.

Fourteen is young -- when your 37, but when your 14, you are almost driving, graduated, out of the house, married. When your fourteen, and in highschool, you are surrouned by 17 and 18 year old immature adults in a place where sex, drug deals, fights, and drinking happen on a daily basis.

Parenting a teenage girl, if done properly, is a feat comparable to solving world peace. I am just begining this new journey with my oldest daugher, and I am taking the route of trying to see her as mature as she sees herself. I know that she truly believes she knows as much, if not more than I do, about the world, and I absolutely cannot force her to see it any other way. I can only try to teach her the lessons I have allready learned, and help her learn the lessons that are neccessary for her own story to be told.

Trying to come to terms with the fact that your child is closer to an adult than a child is tough because the love you feel for your child creates an intense desire to protect her at all costs, but for her to become an independt, secure, successfull adult you have to step back and let her live her life.

So back seat her I come.

(On a side note: "I am sure many accidents have been avoided by a good back seat driver.")

If your not screwing up; your not doing much.

I cannot remember every detail of my childhood. I do not recall every lecture, or consequence, or conversation of my teenage years; but, I do remember one quote that my dad said to me once in my early teens that has truly resonated with me throughout the years. "If your not screwing up; Your not doing much"

Looking back on my younger years, I will admit I did not need to do "so much". I am not going to deny a little more discipline, structure, boundaries may have led me to be more successful, have more brain cells, be healthier, I may not have taken the harder road to where I am today had I "screwed up less". Having said that, I still as an adult raising my own children, truly appreciate the fact that my dad did not break my spirit in the name of being perfect, good, right, clean, well-behaved.

As I write these words, I am also trying to come to terms with my own ideas of child rearing. I want my children to be given the same freedom to fail. The same fearlessness in life that I believe I was given by my dads philosophy of making mistakes; however, I do not know if this is right. How do I limit the chaos that surrounds me, teach my children to respect their things, my things, themselves, and others without demanding them to? And how do I demand certain behavoirs without being forecful, fierce, stringint?

I have been told I am too easy on them. That when they write on walls and not paper I should reprimand more sternly than I do. I have been told they need to be spanked, by more than one person. I want my house to be cleaner, I want them to take better care of the gifts given to them. Overall, I would like a little less mess, but my younger children are just that young. In my eyes, the way I handle the mistakes they make today (writing on walls, yelling, being destructive,) is laying the foundation for how they will react to failures later in life. I do not want them to fear mistakes.

I as a grown adult am still making mistakes; errors that in my attempt to correct I am growing and becoming a better person. Maybe I am wrong; maybe I could have learned these same lessons without making the mistakes that lead to the teachings I am receiving.

Is failure essential to learning life lessons?

We're going to Hollywood....How being "married with kids" relates to an American Idol auditon

Carmen and Lauren: American Idol auditioneers; "besties" 4ever.

The American Idol clip portrays the friendship of these two girls as not just close, but special.

Married Couple: Two people sharing their lives together; true love always.

Partners who spend their days living, laughing, loving.

Carmen and Lauren: They spend all their time together, have a lot in common, and seem to generally have an exceptional friendship. Both girls love to sing; so, of course, the next step to achieving their goals is AMERICAN IDOL.

Married Couple: After meeting and getting to know each other, they both believe this particular person is someone special; and, like most young couples they set off together to achieve the AMERICAN DREAM. Success, Mortgage, Kids.

Carmen and Lauren: "Besties" forever, or at least until one wins an audition and the other doesn't. If body language truly portrays one's true feelings, then based on Lauren's reaction, she would not be able to handle the complex difficulties incurred from the fact that her friend was off to Hollywood without her. Even the 72 coats of foundation could not hide Lauren's complete lack of joy for her "Besties" accomplishment.

Married Couple: In the beginning, their days together consisted of - 4 wheeler rides in Hawaii, hikes in Canada, long talks about their future, cuddling on the couch, movies, wake boarding, snowboarding, hours upon hours of quality time just being together. But the daily "auditions" of demanding children, tedious and stressful business transactions, and most importantly little to no time at the end of the day for just being together, creates tension non conducive to the love that once came so easily.

Carmen and Lauren: Although I am only assuming, as I do not know either Carmen nor Lauren, but based on the AMERICAN IDOL footage, their friendship before the audition seemed idealistically happy and fun; however, after complications involving feelings of jealousy and resentment became part of their relationship, the friendship seemed to instantly transform from special to nonexistent.

Married Couple: Before the complex difficulties that inevitably occur with attempting to achieve the AMERICAN DREAM, most relationships start out as idealistically happy and fun. Fortunately, this is where the similarities between married couples and Carmen and Lauren's friendship can cease. For, although one's married relationship will most likely be revised by consequences that occur during the many "auditions" people face when sharing their lives together, this revision can transform an idealistically happy and fun partnership to a realistically, strong, fulfilling, relationship worthy of lasting a lifetime.