THE ROAD TO

My path has been rocky, and the climb treacherous. I am ready, I am willing, and I am confident that I am on my way out of the hell of darkness, confusion, chaos, and despair. I know that my God/dess will bring me to a new existence where peace is abundant and love is queen. It is as if I am almost at the end of the road out. I have only a few steps left. I am tired, and I am ready for my new beginning—the road to. The road out is also the road to. The road out does not just end; a new path begins. I have been so consumed with the task of moving beyond my chaotic and soul-sucking existence that I have forgotten that there is a path to freedom, joy, love, and peace, where I am filled with ecstasy that is not based on external factors but simply on what I am. I am an image of the Goddess. I am an image of pure light, love, joy, and peace. My life is a reflection of beauty. I have the strength of the Creator of the universe within me. I do not need to continue to control the elements. I know that my God/dess is in control and will provide all I need, externally and internally. I can rest, and I can release all the pain, darkness, and fears that have been my polestar. My new polestar is pure love, freedom, and joy—forever and ever. Amen.

RIVER OF DELIGHT

When I let life flow through me as freely as I allow my breath to continue keeping me alive, this is when I can be fed by the river of delights that is a gift from my Creator to me. Letting the light of the Goddess who created me fill my soul and flourish the moments of my life is how I can be saved from my own foolishness. The river of delights that naturally flows through me will lead me to an abundance of peace, joy, and love. To be free is to let this flow open the dark doors of deceit that, in my own fears and desires, I have closed and locked and do not have the ability to open, as the key is not within my own knowledge but can only be found in my surrender. I have spent a lifetime trying to find a path around my cages, which I built in the loneliest and saddest days of my vulnerable childhood. I have looked to others, to outside circumstances, to destructive and disgusting toxic distractions, and to my own inept capabilities in a failed attempt to save myself from myself. Now, instead of this crooked and murderous path, I intend to let the river of delights be my way home.

JUST DON'T DO IT

I am learning that trying to do or be or change is not only exhausting but also unnecessary. There is a power a clarity a peaceful progression in just not doing not trying not focusing on what I think I need to do or be. This way of being is so counter culture to the society I live in and the way I was raised. But it feels right to me because I want to go beyond who I am. I want to grow. I truly believe that humans are similar to trees, flowers, nature in general. We do not have to make ourselves grow. My infant self is not responsible for my getting taller, my hands growing bigger. As a ponder how much involvement I had as an infant in my development, I cannot help but notice that it was my vulnerability and my dependance that led to my growth. Isn’t it true that you learn the most when you are young. Unfortunately, sometimes what you absorb is not always the most effective pathway to peace. But this idea, the concept of absorbing rather than controlling is no less valid. As an adult, I want to embrace the wisdom of God/dess, the Universe, and Mother Nature. I want to sit by the river, sipping tea, savoring the fruit from the trees, and leaving the tree of knowledge to what lies beyond my understanding—so that I may live in ecstasy.

Here comes TESSA

Inner growth, transformation, and true change from within the core of oneself can be achieved through the lessons of daily life. My relationship with the bulldog my daughters and I rescued from the pound has provided a plethora of daily lessons for me to grapple with. Tessa is wounded, and when her wounds are triggered by outside influences like being left alone, a dog that is too close, or overstimulation, a transformation occurs. Tessa is calm, cuddly, soft, and sweet when she feels safe. Tessa is aggressive, strong, and close-minded when she is scared or overstimulated. I see this transformation when we are on our walks. Usually, while walking, Tessa doesn't pull; she stays right by my side, and we walk in tandem with her, stopping to sniff or check out her surroundings on occasion. If a dog is in the vicinity but does not pay her any attention, she may look up but remains calm. As soon as the dog looks at her or shows any signs of wanting to get in Tessa's space, Tessa immediately goes from calm to hyperfocused, strong, sturdy, and ready to fight. Tessa also has significant separation anxiety. When left alone, she has ruined blinds, chewed through doors, destroyed door handles, and broken a crate trying to find an escape. She has been a lot of work. I have to work with her every day so she can be content instead of destructive. I don't know what happened to this sweet girl, but she must have been through some tough times, and that breaks my heart. This relationship between Tessa and me is helping me to see that we all have a past that must be allowed to work itself out so we don't destroy ourselves or others. I have to be patient with myself and with Tessa. There needs to be a healthy structure, boundaries, and lots of love. She is teaching me as much as I am teaching her. The world comes into our being and can quickly trigger our inner hurt, and like the spark of a fire, we become explosive. Unless we allow our inner selves to process our pain, we will destroy what is around us.

Liberation

To live life to the fullest is what I aspire to. I do not want to waste my moments caught up in the personal demons of fear, anger, HATRED. How do I free myself of the negative thoughts that consume my internal space? First, I must be AWARE of these subtle, energetic doses of doubt, untruths, and hidden distractions that take me down the path of discontentment. When I can be in the moment, truly in the moment, being who I am at that time, doing what is in front of me without hesitation, with full confidence in the power of what is, I am who I am meant to be. Mostly, it is about subtracting all the extra thoughts and feelings that seep into my heart and mind to take me out of the moment and into the delusion of my persona. I created this self-concept from pain, fear, and desire. If I can free myself from the weight of her pain, I can be my truth. Powerful, beautiful, loving, and full of a peace that can transform.

"You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying"

"You never forget the truth, you just get better at lying."

When we are young, little kid young, we are true to ourselves. Children know what they want, do not hide what they are feeling, and have no problem letting the people in their life know all about their truth. The thought of lying to the people around them about their truth, is not an option, or thought, that crosses a child's mind.

As an adult, being true to oneself seems more difficult. Trying to be a good mom or dad, husband or wife, friend, business person creates obstacles within yourself for your truth to be clouded by the traits you think you should possess to be the mom, wife, friend, you want to be. Hence, lies about who you truly are.

Although it may be easier said than done, isn't it refreshing to know - to find one's truth, one just has to quit lying.

I love everything I hate about you.

Isn't it interesting when the same quality in one person can create two opposite emotions in another person.

In relationships, people can both love and hate specific character traits in each other. I hate when my better half reacts to obstacles in life with a relaxed attitude when clearly, in my eyes, for the problem to be solved we need to be moving tensely at mach 5 speed. However, my husbands same stoic outlook is also the quiet that calms my passionate storm when I am in a frenzy about stuff I have no control over and cannot change, and therefore, should just relax and let life happen.

When I am feeling frustrated because of a certain action by a loved one in my life, I can turn the negative feeling around by focusing not on the action but the character trait that created the action as normally the trait itself is one that I admire.

If I were to actually write down everything that frustrates me about anyone I am close to, I would see the same actions that can unnerve me at times are created by the traits that attracted me to that person to begin with.

Just a thought...